Reflecting on my journey before joining Holy Apostles, I spent two years battling depression. Around January, Fr. Tom shared a story about a woman who grew violets in her back room. She was struggling with depression, and a therapist suggested she take her flowers to the hospital each day. This act of sharing brought light to her darkness and became a gift to others, illustrating that light is meant to be shared, reminding us that Christ calls us to be His light. In my own journey, I began to learn that sharing our stories and struggles can be a powerful step towards healing, much like the woman who shared her violets.
Fr. Tom often says our story is meant to be shared. While it can be challenging and uncomfortable, sharing helps to shed the shame and embarrassment we hold onto. As Brené Brown echoes, “Shame can’t survive when we share our stories.”
Last Sunday, I found myself crying uncontrollably after the Sermon and throughout the rest of the service. The tears were unstoppable. I was trapped in a story of shame and embarrassment. In the fight, flight, or freeze world, I always freeze. I strongly dislike crying in front of others, so while my mind was telling me to run, my body was frozen.
Reflecting back on that day, I am grateful for freezing. I was in an incredibly safe space, surrounded by the love of Christ, Panagia, and all the saints—a church full of incredible people who love and follow Christ. I had Pres Pat next to me, reminding me that Panagia is always catching our tears, and Fr. Tom, who said four simple, profound words to me: “Remember who you are.” It felt like a prayer, a prayer I desperately needed to hear.
This experience illuminated the profound connection between shame and repentance. When we hold onto our shame, it isolates us and keeps us trapped in our struggles. However, by sharing our stories and seeking Christ’s presence, we open ourselves to healing and transformation. Repentance is not just about seeking forgiveness for our wrongdoings but also about turning towards Christ and allowing Him to share in our burdens. It is a process of letting go of our shame, acknowledging our need for His grace, and inviting Him into the deepest parts of our hearts.
Saint John Chrysostom once said, “Pay attention carefully. After the sin comes the shame; courage follows repentance. Did you pay attention to what I said? Satan upsets the order; he gives the courage to sin and the shame to repentance.” For me, this quote highlights a profound truth about the nature of sin and repentance. Satan distorts this natural order by giving us the courage to sin, making it seem appealing or justifiable, but then overwhelming us with shame when it comes time to repent. This shame can prevent us from seeking the healing and grace that repentance offers.
John Chryssavgis, in Soul Mending, explains that the Greek term for repentance, metanoia, signifies a profound transformation of one's mind and perspective. Repentance is more than just regret for past actions; it involves a fundamental reorientation towards loving others and oneself, ultimately leading to a new way of living that restores our true freedom and connection with God and His creation.
In Orthodoxy 101, Fr. Tom talks about how we are created for authenticity and connection. When our head is disconnected from our heart, our authenticity struggles. This is what repentance is for—to help us reconnect to our loving God. I was so nervous when I first reached out to Fr. Tom for my first confession, but it turned out to be a turning point in my life. As Fr. Tom says in his most recent email for the Advent Confession Signups, “Self-reflection and Holy Confession are not optional for Christians but need to be a part of our life as we pause not to just make a laundry list of the wrongs we did, not to create an uncomfortable examination where the priest becomes Sherlock Holmes, a detective, or judge looking to find wrongs we’ve done to incriminate us. We need to make time so we can intentionally come closer to God, where we can wake up and celebrate His love for us!” This was beyond comforting to me initially and what led me to ask for confession in the first place.
My friends, in moments of vulnerability, we have an opportunity to practice true repentance. It is through this openness and willingness to let Christ in that we can find peace, healing, and the strength to move forward. As we journey through life, let us remember that we are never alone in our struggles and that our stories, no matter how difficult, are meant to be shared and healed through the love and grace of Christ. Praying for you all to have a reflective and connected Advent.
With Love in Christ,
Maria
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