I had a brilliant, talented, creative friend, Jim, who got in an argument with his UW professor 40 years ago. He became enraged at the professor, yelled profanities at him, and stormed out of class. He was so angry that he never came back. He failed that class and was only one class short of his degree at UW!
Redemption and Second Chances
Jim never graduated. He held on to that resentment and bad judgment and never spoke to the professor for forty years. A week before a sudden heart attack that killed him in 2015, Jim thought of making amends and decided to track down the professor to ask for his forgiveness for being such a jerk and traumatizing him and his class. He located the professor and made an appointment to speak with him.
A week before Jim died, forty years after he ran out of that UW room, he walked back through the threshold of the professor's office and said, "Dr. Evans, this is Jim. You remember me? Not sure if you remember, but I am the guy who stormed out of your classroom forty years ago. I came to apologize and ask for your forgiveness for my bad and despicable behavior."
The professor paused, took a deep breath, and with tears streaming down his eyes and lips quivering, said, "Jim, I remember you so very well—you were one of my most amazing students! I accept your apology. You were my all-time prize student, and my greatest regret is not having the courage at that moment to run after you that day to ask you to come back. I want to ask you for forgiveness. Please forgive me for not running after you forty years ago to ask you to come back to class!"
What a tragedy for these two amazing men to hold on to this hurtful story for forty years! And how freeing it was to let that heavy story be shared and healed, a week before Jim died! Forgiveness is not easy but liberating! I believe forgiveness is hard. C.S. Lewis writes, "Last week in prayer, I discovered, or at least I think I did, that I suddenly was able to forgive someone that I had been trying to forgive for over thirty years." We think that for mature Christians, forgiveness comes easy—but not so!
Understanding True Forgiveness
Wikipedia defines forgiveness as the mental, emotional, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation, or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.
Forgiveness is not only hard but risky, yet it is the only road to freedom. It's something we should all strive to embrace, to be forgivers, because if we don't, the other road always leads to disconnection and self-destruction. Forgiveness is not Jesus' recommendation, therapeutic technique, or suggestion. The scriptures make it clear that forgiveness is Jesus' command! Do this and you will be saved! Because when we do this, when we truly forgive, it opens our heart to connection and communion with God, ourselves, and one another!
Forgiveness is the only way forward. That does not mean we forget, condone, or approve of what was done. It does not mean we ignore or excuse cruelty or injustice, or that we become friends with the person who hurt or violated us. It means that we are released from the grip of what was done to us. Forgiveness is a way in which we align our life with God's life. To withhold forgiveness is to put ourselves in the place of God, the ultimate judge to whom all are accountable (Rom. 14:10, 12).
Forgiveness is possibly the most important of all of Jesus' commands that is rooted in Love because if you and I don't get this forgiveness thing down, then we miss the gospel! Forgiveness creates space for new life! Forgiveness is an act of hopefulness and resurrection for the one who forgives. It is the healing of our soul. Forgiveness takes us out of darkness into light. It disentangles us from the evil grips of another. It is the refusal to let our future be determined by our past. Trish Davis says, "Forgiveness does not excuse their behavior; forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart."
The Science of Forgiveness
Fred Luskin, a professor at Stanford, started the "Forgiveness Project" at Stanford in the 90's, and in his own words echoes what the church and the saints have said over the many centuries. Through careful scientific studies, Luskin and his team realized the power of forgiveness in that it reduced depression, increased hopefulness, decreased anger, improved spiritual connection, and increased emotional self-confidence.
More scientists are agreeing with the fathers and mothers of our church about forgiveness and its healing powers. They also look at the mentally and physically corrosive effects of not forgiving. When we don't forgive and hang on to anger and resentment, living in a constant state of stress, all this can damage the heart as well as the soul. Holding onto anger and resentment increases the risk for anxiety, depression, and insomnia.
Breaking Free
Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the keys to our happiness; that person will be our jailer. We will be bound with chains of bitterness, tied together, and consciously or unconsciously trapped. When we forgive, we take back control of our faith and our feelings and our life. We forgive for ourselves as well as the other. Forgiveness, in other words, is a form of self-interest, as is true both spiritually and scientifically.
May we begin our Lenten journey this year with a clean heart, truly asking forgiveness from others whom we have hurt in any way.
Blessings to you all,
+Fr. Tom
Originally published in the Holy Apostles E-bulletin. Subscribe here.
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